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It's been some time since I actually logged onto livejournal, or interacted with anyone from this community. Since I was primarily involved only in the HP or the SSHG community from years ago my experience with livejournal ended up being closely linked to fanfiction. I came back today and am horrified with the new friends feed, but otherwise relieved that some people I know are still posting here.

I came back today because I unexpectedly had one whole free weekday in the second year of my surgical residency. I'm not expecting any more free days any time soon, and any free weekends I may have are dedicated to my (gasp) boyfriend of one year and two months exactly as of today. I was relieved to have time to myself today as well. I spent most of it asleep in the morning or waking up in brief stretches to read SSHG fic. I have been reacquainting myself with the newer authors and mourning those who either are inactive or have deleted their stories. I went to the dentist and finally got the work done that I have been neglecting since before my mother died. And at around 5 PM I finally sat down with a pint of Double Dutch and started to write. It's past twelve now and I should be asleep, but I've just written over 5, 000 words of fic all at once--something I haven't done in years--and I'm still kind of awake from the adrenaline.

I am not the writer I used to be. Sometimes I look at the stuff I wrote and I like a turn of phrase or a clever insertion of a plotpoint but mostly I feel numbed towards my own writing in a way that I wasn't before. I am thinking that it is partly tiredness, partly the fact that I haven't been reading much beyond academics and beyond the occasional, very silly and tropey YA books that I download onto my phone for short reads. I haven't read anything truly, really good recently and that comes out in your writing, or in your appreciation of writing I suppose. Not to say that I was ever a truly great writer, only that I can't quite get used to my own style or find my way back to it. It's a good thing I at least had an outline for the fic chapter I was writing, resurrected from two years ago, otherwise I would have floundered with the plot. I find myself making frustrating mistakes that I never used to before, like an alarming tendency to switch gender pronouns or to illogically switch from past to present tense mid-paragraph. I also find that the words aren't there for me and I have to struggle and force them out. Nothing flows as well as it used to. But in a way that is all right, because you have to keep working even without inspiration.

I also felt that I owed something to my story, and to the readers who were waiting, and I wanted to be part of the community again.

The fic update is here:

A Thousand Faces: Chapter 4
Some time after the second wizarding war, there is a man living in Grimmauld Place: a complete stranger who is somehow familiar. A love story.


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I don't know if anyone is even on tumblr anymore, but hey, what the hell.

I wrote a new story! It’s been in my hard drive for the last couple of years and for some reason, while completely unable to move on with my Surgery handouts, I found myself typing twelve thousand words in one night. Go figure.

Story title: A Thousand Faces

Fandom: Harry Potter

Summary: Some time after the second wizarding war, there is a man living in Grimmauld Place: a complete stranger who is somehow familiar. A love story in two parts.

Link: Chapter One
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The rotation is over and I didn't say anything. I am a huge cowardCollapse ) I feel with every day that passes that I've become one of those ridiculous young women who fall in love with their bosses and convince themselves that their youth is some sort of temptation, when it's more likely that it's a big deterrent.
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I have got it really, really bad. I read somewhere that all you need is twenty seconds of bravery. What do I do with twenty seconds, now when my rotation is so close to being over and I may never see him again? Do I sit beside this guy at a conference and risk the prying eyes of his colleagues and mine? Do I smile at him directly rather than look away when I catch him looking, which is mostly what I've been doing? WHAT DO I DO and why isn't there a manual for this sort of thing?
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I'm not a nice person. In fact I'm actually one of the rudest people I've ever met. But I hope I'm always nice to my patients and to their companions. I haven't always been, but I hope to be.

Earlier this week I was called out of a session at the EMG-NCV room by a resident who needed me to make a referral. By the time I was walking back to the EMG-NCV room I found a woman and her son (nine or ten years old maybe?) standing outside, apparently waiting for their turn. I was already turning the doorknob when the woman asked me, in the most condescending I-speak-English-in-a-Filipino-charity-hospital voice I have ever heard, "Excuuuuse me, miss, don't you have a chair around here? So my son can sit?" And she said this like she was personally affronted, like I was a janitor who had failed to clean up a puddle of cat piss right in front of her.</p>

I looked around. This was a very small corridor, and a corridor full of offices for occupational therapy and physical therapy etc--in other words, a corridor that often saw the use of wheelchairs and walkers and even stretchers, so chairs put up against the walls would be more of a hindrance than a help to waiting patients. In any case there was an anteroom to the corridor where patients could wait. Only she and her son insisted on waiting right outside the door, as though ready to pounce on anyone coming out of the EMG-NCV room.

I asked, "I'm sorry Ma'am, are you with the patient?" and I gestured to the room, where a man with spinal cord compression was being examined, because I thought they might have been with him, because again this fricking corridor was not a waiting area except for anxious relatives who waited outside the door, unable to stay away. And she said, "No, my son is the patient," and I noticed that the son was standing awkwardly and I understood why she was asking for a chair. So I said "I'm sorry Ma'am, where is his injury?" and she impatiently pointed to kid's leg. So I controlled my temper, told myself she was just a mother concerned about her boy, and I knocked at the EMG room and procured a chair (which was actually supposed to be for the companions of the patient already inside, but who cares about that right?), gave it to her, apologized again while she harrrumphed royally and dismissed me, again, like I was a janitor. The whole time I wanted to tell her, "you cannot talk to me like that; I am a doctor. And even if I weren't a doctor you would still never have that right. Even we don't talk like that to our staff; we call them Ma'am and Sir all the damn time!"

But anyway. She was just a mom worried about her kid. I wanted to move on from that and focus on the session. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, a knock came at the door, and I peered over the resident's shoulder to realize that the lady in question, who had made such a fuss about a chair for her son, was calmly sitting in the chair while her son stood awkwardly beside her.

I hope I'm always nice. I hope I'm always nice to patients and their companions, even when they don't deserve it. AT ALL.

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Things I learned today: 50 new kanji characters (I've started making flashcards, which is tedious but helpful); what tl; dr means; and how someone you don't even particularly like can make you really, really sad when they express interest in leaving your fandom.
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My mind spends half the time in PGH and half the time in Camelot, dreaming, dreaming.

No wonder I don't get any work done. On the other hand... The Once and Future King, sigh.
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Me: I am on the terrifying edge of writing RPF of dan/emma. Talk me out of it Haha.
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I learned how to ride a bike! One thing to cross off the bucket list.
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